School Board Praises Vandals For Unwavering Commitment To Free-Range Eggs While Vandalizing School

The Simcoe County District School Board is finding the positive in the behaviour of a group of youngsters who egged one of Alliston’s public elementary schools over several months. The board concluded that, after careful investigation of the trash and yolk found in the area, the eggs were from free-range chickens. 

“The young people who carried out this act of vandalism appear to have tremendous concern for the conditions in which animals live,” Sandy Cochrane, a representative from the school board, told reporters. “And they refuse to cover the school’s portables with eggs hatched from chickens standing shoulder to shoulder in deplorable conditions.” 

Blurry security footage reveals that the culprits appear to pause briefly before launching the first round of eggs.

“I believe they were taking a moment to pause in mindful gratitude,” Fiona Garcia, a member of the parent council, told the Alliston Gerald. 

Garcia says she avoids factory-farmed eggs and is supportive of anyone making efforts to replace them. 

Online conversation and debate around the vandals’ egg preference has spurred so much awareness of free-range eggs that Moondance Organic Farms is asking the perpetrators to come forward to accept a complimentary flat of eggs. 

Lina Anderson, a mother whose children, Fawn and Twig, attend an alternative school, believes the incident reveals something deeper about the state of education in Canada.

 “Anything cooped up without fresh air and sunlight will produce something unnatural,” she said. “Vandalism is just the system turning on itself, which is what I think these kids are trying to tell us.” 

Further analysis of the area revealed that the toilet paper strewn over the playground and park equipment was double-ply made from 100% recycled water bottles. 

“Yes, we could look at this as delinquency. We could focus on the negative,” Sandy Cochrane of the SCDSB wrote in an email. “But when you allow your perspective and intentions to shift, and you look beyond the $25K needed to clean and repair equipment, you can also see these kiddos as activists, artists, even visionaries.”

One grade eight teacher, Steven Lytvynenko, says over the winter he has paid close attention to the spray-paint graffiti showing up on the walls and notices more ability to repeatedly show up to a task than he has seen from many of his students. 

“I’ve considered drawing up a rubric for an assignment where students could be graded on their ability to plan vandalism of this calibre,” Lytvynenko reported. “Plus, if I made it homework, the graffiti would probably stop.” 

The school board is still looking for an appropriate way to address the problem and is reportedly considering a school-wide recognition assembly, but, at this time, the young people have chosen to remain anonymous.