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THE ALLISTON GERALD
theallistongerald
Apr 200 min read
Everett Man Believes He May Have Eaten Easter Bunny
EVERETT, ONTARIO—A local man claims he has reasonable cause to believe he may have accidentally hunted, cooked, and consumed the animal...
theallistongerald
Apr 123 min read
“We Thought They Were Ornamental”: New Residents of Small Town Shocked To Find Train Tracks For Trains
TOTTENHAM, ONTARIO—A growing number of new residents in an Ontario town claim to have been unaware of the occasionally noisy trains...
theallistongerald
Feb 162 min read
Local Trail Now Made Up Entirely Of Dog Poop
BEATTIE PINERY, ALLISTON—Ontario Parks has recently taken steps to replace the mulch on a local walking path with 4,500 tonnes of...
theallistongerald
Feb 62 min read
School Board Praises Vandals For Unwavering Commitment To Free-Range Eggs While Vandalizing School
The Simcoe County District School Board is finding the positive in the behaviour of a group of youngsters who egged one of Alliston’s...
theallistongerald
Jan 252 min read
“Forty’s The New Twenty,” Says Delusional Aging Person
BEETON, Ontario—-Sources indicate that a man on the verge of turning forty told a group of friends that he was similar, if not the same...
theallistongerald
Jan 192 min read
Crossword: A Walk Through Beeton
Test your knowledge of Beeton. The puzzle indicates if you guessed correctly. How many correct answers are you able to find?
theallistongerald
Jan 111 min read
WANTED: Salaried Tenants to Fill Apartment in Public Washroom
Act now before someone else nabs this golden opportunity to live in an affordable, centrally-located apartment that is, technically...
theallistongerald
Jan 61 min read
Alliston Couple Living Off Holiday Trash Comforted By New Year's Fitness Plans They’ll Never Get Around To
An Alliston couple is preparing to radically change their diet and fitness level in the New Year by posting about it on social media and...
theallistongerald
Dec 29, 20241 min read
Local Man Warns Against Leaving Venison Jerky As Santa/Reindeer Snack After Hoof-Holes Found on Roof
theallistongerald
Dec 22, 20240 min read
theallistongerald
Dec 22, 20240 min read
theallistongerald
Dec 22, 20240 min read
theallistongerald
Dec 22, 20240 min read
Rumours Swirl Around Surprise Christmas Album From Mayor Norcross Set For Release Early Next Week
ALLISTON, ONTARIO— Could the current mayor and former deputy mayor really have a Christmas album in the works? While some believe the...
theallistongerald
Dec 13, 20242 min read
Man In Thirties Getting Weird Kick Out Of Not Booking Car To Have Winter Tires Changed
ALLISTON, ONTARIO—A local automotive repair shop and dealership has reportedly not received a booking from one of its most faithful...
theallistongerald
Nov 29, 20242 min read
Faux Movember: Man With Bad Mustache Mistaken For Person Trying To Fundraise For Men's Health Issues
A local man recently learned he's been indispensable to the fight against men’s health issues simply by going about his life with what he...
theallistongerald
Nov 19, 20241 min read
Never In Our ‘Wildest Dreams’: Alliston Plumbing Company Sees Business Boom After Eras Tour-Themed House Calls
ALLISTON—Following a prompt from the local business-improvement association, a group of local plumbers are hoping to attract the...
theallistongerald
Nov 10, 20242 min read
CUTE: Parents Of Five-Month-Old Believed They Would Sleep Additional Hour On Daylight Savings
ALLISTON—-A local couple recently learned their five-month-old is either unaware of or non-compliant with the tradition of setting back...
theallistongerald
Nov 2, 20241 min read
Homeowners Who Keep Giant Skeleton On Lawn Year Round Entering Time Of Year When They Look Normal
ALLISTON—Why does a massive skeleton statue remain year-round on its owner's front lawn? Neighbours speculate that the residents of the...
theallistongerald
Oct 27, 20242 min read
Conspiracy-Minded Uncles of New Tecumseth To Hold Emergency Meeting To Workshop Material Before Thanksgiving
The paranoid, apocalyptic musings of middle-aged men have long been the centerpiece of many Southern Ontarian Thanksgivings, but has...
theallistongerald
Oct 12, 20243 min read
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