Alliston Woman Prides Self On Hating Majority Of Town's Coffee

ALLISTON—Witnesses indicate that a local woman was heard telling friends outside a coffee shop that she was unable to find a decent cup of coffee in town.

“It’s either too strong or it’s watery. The other day they put literal ice in it and today I burnt my tongue,” Melissa Corcoran told reports.

Her coworkers were familiar with Corcoran’s opinions on the coffee in town.

“We’ve heard the spiel,” said a co-worker. “Melissa doesn’t enjoy any of the options we have. Yet everyday she goes out for lunch and when she comes back, is there a coffee in her hand? Yup. Will she bring extras back for the group? Not once. And does she finish the coffee she hates so much? Every time she does.”

Melissa’s mother-in-law claims there is nothing wrong with the coffee and that Melissa uses it to put down the hometown of her and her son. 

“It’s a ruse to move back to the city,” Candy McBride told the Alliston Gerald. “Either that or they’re all Irish coffees and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were more Irish than coffee. There could really be anything in those cups. It’s the perfect cover. Oh, it tastes disgusting. Well, of course, it does when it’s only cheap whiskey!”

But Melissa’s husband, Sean, disagreed. He claimed to have smelled the many empty cups Corcoran left in car cupholders, in their bedroom, and in the bathtub. 

“Oh, it’s coffee, alright, but let me ask you something,” Sean MacDougall told reporters. “If you hated oranges would your house be littered with orange peels?” 

Sources reached out to Corcoran’s former housemates in the city for comment. One had this to say: “Melissa was constantly blabbering on about how bad city coffee was after trying all those cutesy small-town coffee shops.”