Parents of Young Children Recklessly Try 'Forty-Minute Caffeine Detox'

ALLISTON, ONTARIO-Young parents are experimenting with a health fad that has people spending tens of minutes without consuming any caffeine whatsoever. The ‘forty-minute caffeine detox’ has drawn recent attention from influencers, some of whom claim they've experienced health benefits, but what are professionals saying?

“I wouldn't recommend anyone get on the bandwagon before clinical studies are released,” Doctor Abdul Abbasi noted. “Abstaining from caffeine for that long could be dangerous for your health, your job, your marriage—You name it.” 

Still, many young parents are sold on the internet craze due to its promises of a “normal heart rate” and “milder coffee breath.” 

“I tried the forty-minute caffeine detox last weekend,” Melissa Tedesco told reporters. “But I chickened out after 29 minutes. I started getting irritable and felt like it was nighttime in the middle of the day. I played it safe and bought a triple americano.”

Other parents may not be so responsible. Unconfirmed social media posts claim some parents were pushing the detox to fifty or even fifty-five minutes, chasing what influencers call ‘that calmness you feel when you don’t need to urinate every five seconds.’

“Sure, you can go without caffeine, but is anyone thinking of the children who have to be around you as an uncaffeinated person?” Barb Hamilton, a retired mother of one, asked. “It’s selfish.” 

Some critics and legal experts say there could be far-reaching consequences for both those who abstain from caffeine as well as for those around them.

“We're working on a breathalyzer for this,” Constable Jessica Smith told reporters. “It's irresponsible and, quite frankly, reckless for anyone with young children to operate a vehicle while actively not drinking a caffeinated beverage.”

While the wealthy can hire nannies to step in when their caffeine detox becomes a day-long siesta, the working parents of the world will in all likelihood develop a headache. At the time of publishing, some celebrities were advocating for '16:8 intermittent sleeping,' a health kick that involves a sixteen-hour waking section of the day followed by eight straight hours of eyes-closed sleeping.